Tortoise and Hare get set at the starting line. Their friends and family gather to cheer them on, or at least Tortoises do; Hare’s cheering section is empty. Tortoise looks over at Hare. Hare looks right back at Tortoise. Tortoise then looks back in front of them and immediately hears a loud snort from where Hare just was. Tortoise looks back just as the gun goes off, and Hare sprints away.
Tortoise slowly trots along, debating whether Hare low-key just took down a few lines before their big race. I mean, what else would that loud, cocaine-like snorting sound be, right? Not to mention Hare has had some trouble in the past with narcotics, but it was the safe and cool kind of narcotics, like weed and heroin, never cocaine. Tortoise tries to shake it off and refocus on the race; it’s not their problem what Hare chooses to do for fun. But wait, cocaine could help Hare win…and the possibility of their opponent using illegal substances to win is just straight-up not chill, whatsoever. Tortoise stops and takes out their tortoise phone to call the cops…this fucker’s going down.
As Tortoise slowly makes their way to the finish line, ready to confront Hare and hopefully watch them get arrested for possession of sum yeyo, they see someone with two bunny ears motionless under a tree. As Tortoise gets closer, they realize it’s none other than that cheating cunt, Hare.
Tortoise stands over Hare, noticing white residue all over their face. Tortoise takes their tortoise finger and wipes a smudge off Hare’s cheek, then gums it…yep, that’s cocaine, all right. Tortoise shakes their head and taps Hare on the shoulder to wake them up, alerting them of the authorities inbound, along with their inevitable disqualification. Except Hare doesn’t wake up. A wave of cheers from the finish line takes Tortoise’s attention away as they look to see their friends and family waving them down. A cop car then pulls up. Hare still hasn’t moved.
Tortoise looks back and forth between Hare and the finish line. Disqualification or not, the mere act of crossing that line first would be the most meaningful thing in Tortoise’s long tortoise life. But Hare still hasn’t moved, and blood has begun dripping out of their nose. Shit. Adversary or not, Tortoise knows what they have to do.
As everyone runs over to the tree, Tortoise begins conducting CPR on Hare. The cops tell them the paramedics are over 15 minutes away. Tortoise pushes and pushes and pushes as the crowd anxiously watches. Once the paramedics arrive, it’s already too late. Tortoise kneels over Hare’s dead body, and a single tear forms in their eye.
But then…with what could only be described as a miracle from rabbit Jesus himself…Hare JOLTS UP in a manic confusion as the crowd lets out a large sigh of relief. Hare looks around at the situation, trying to make sense of what’s going on. Tortoise sighs and puts their hand on Hare’s shoulder and extends their other one out for a cordial handshake – they’re glad to see them alive and well. The crowd watches as the once competitors, now bonded through a traumatic event, are about to share a beautiful moment. Hare looks down at Tortoise’s extended hand, then up at the crowd, then down toward the finish line, then back at Tortoise’s hand. Hare extends their hand back…then swiftly alters it into an uppercut to Tortoise’s jaw, immediately knocking them unconscious. The crowd gasps as Hare quickly lays out another line on the back of their hand, snorts it, then sprints down the path and across the finish line to win.
The End.
The Banana Peel 